erasure, closure & shit (Friday, July 8, 2011 / 10:51 PM)
HI WORLD
mai kot its been awhile hasn't it?????????
Recently, life has been throwing lots o' turds at me. And its honestly pretty difficult to type it out because I'm so used to writing things and having a "good" flow. (Bloody history/gp essays)
Shall make a list of things that has turned my life around
1) I'M OLD AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MYSELF
Lets face it, old habits die hard and my shitty spoilt & selfish & mean self has to go. I keep getting my parents upset to the point where I get pretty disappointed with myself and how I've not been able to AVOID CONFLICTS. So, have to learn how to be more appreciative of what I have and be able to give thanks profusely to all involved in making me happy.
2) MY AHMAH IS PASSING AWAY
Yes, I admit here that I was a terrible grandchild and I admit that I have the word 'guilt' written all over my face when I think about/talk to her. But since her illness got worser and worser and worser and worser and that now she's lying in bed in comatose state, I realise life sucks and people are fucking greedy. Life sucks because when you grow old, quote from a song I never fail to skip,
The golden years are meant to leave a gleam in your eye
You’re starting to discover it’s a great big lie
They'll work you like a dog til you quit or you die
-The Clock Was Tickin' by Brandon Flowers
And I just hate the thought of it being so fucking true. Life just feels so hard to go through and when you think you're old and you're gonna get a break, fat fuck. Besides, my extended family is a breeding ground for grouchers and life suckers and I do not want to grow up being that, so I'm constantly reminding myself that I have to give give give. Guess I've gotta learn how to just grow with whatever shit comes my way.
3) THERE ARE NO PERMANENT FRIENDS, ONLY PERMANENT INTERESTS
Best sentence I've learnt in history. For real. In the past few years of my life I realise that not many have stayed by my side long enough to make me wanna even call them friends anymore. Sometimes I really wish I could erase them from my brain memory card. I feel used and useless now thanks to their expert assistance. And I hope that in the coming seconds, hours, days, months and years I will be able to see through both the interests of the people I meet and the possibility of having a friendship with them. Because we humans are so hard to trust.
4) POSITIVITY AND WILLPOWER
2 of the most important things you should carry with you when you're in the battlefield of examinations. And maybe just about every other thing you do in life.
Done. I think my life kinda sucks, but I think I'll pull through.
