death is free (Sunday, September 11, 2011 / 2:24 PM)
It has prolly been over a month since my grandmother passed away. And it has also been the worst period of my life I've personally ever been through.
Nobody likes death no matter how much you hate the person. It feels unfair and it comes and goes so quickly. And I to this date do not how to handle any of the feelings I have inside of me.
Sometimes I just find myself crying over nothing. And other times while I'm happy, small things remind me of ahmah and I find myself crawling back into a hole to cry again.
It gets so much I wonder how much am I allowed to think about it. Am I supposed to still think about it and feel sad? Is it okay to pretend nothing happened and I am fine?
I still feel guilty as ever but so thankful I spent the last days with her. I feel like crap still even while typing this. Because I feel like I watched her die. Like from being okay to being sick to suffering at home to ending up in hospital to being okay for awhile and to be in a coma in less than a week and dying a few days later.
It is torturous. It is terrible. It is just plain sad.
And I don't know how to react.
And as much as I want to cry right now, I'm telling myself not to.
Someone tell me what to do.
Still remember how she used to say just let me die when I know she clearly didn't mean it. It must have been hard.
