this blog

oh yes

2012-01-27T23:16:00.002+08:00

did i also mention that cny without an ahmah is not cny anymore.ahmah i wish you were here.

time, always time, on my mind

2012-01-27T23:15:00.001+08:00

Life has been as sucky as shit and I think this is going to continue for a bit. With my constant lack of energy and everything just going in a different direction, I'm in crumbles.Listening to my LoZ soundtrack. Time is running out and soon I will be the lonely girl I was and probably, actually, will always be. I sometimes find it such a pleasure that I do not need to please anyone else. It is rather tiring. Recently in fact, I've been trying my best to not slip as a sister. But of course and as usual, I get the scolded from an overly concerned sister. Sometimes I cant decide whether they're concerned about me or themselves though. Sometimes I feel like I put in so much of an effort and it bounces back on me time and again that all I want to do is cry. All I ever knew how to do anyway.Sometimes I wish I had a friend who knew me better than myself. I don't think that will ever happen. I'm as lonely as lonely can get. And its going downhill.

sad day

2011-12-11T00:01:00.001+08:00

Well, I've been/am going through all my old photos which I saved into CDs (due to lack of space on the computer).Boy oh boy have I grown.Its pretty sad to say the least to watch myself slowly evolve into someone who used to hang out so much with one person and then swing to someone else, if not no one else. Something in me tells me not to be so mean and blame the people who've left over the past few years because its not entirely their fault anyway. What a sad day.

Things

2011-12-09T17:52:00.001+08:00

Sometimes we do things we can't explain. Sometimes we have a reason. Other times you don't even know you did those things.

engineer in the making

2011-11-18T02:24:00.001+08:00

AIYA WHERE GOT PEOPLE SO CUTE ONE HOR

I cannot wait for things anymore.

2011-10-30T22:10:00.000+08:00

BECAUSE I WILL FOREVER BE THE DUMBEST GIRL. THE DUMBEST MOST SELFISH AND HARDEST PERSON TO LOOK AFTER. I AM ONLY GOOD WHEN IM YOUNG AND I AM LIKE A BANE TO YOUR EXISTENCE AND MY BAD ALWAYS WEIGHS OUT MY GOOD. AND IT'S GOONG TO BE LIKE THIS FOREVER.

RAH

2011-10-26T21:25:00.000+08:00

GRRRR, HOW CAN NORITAKA TATEHANA NOT SUE HIM????!!!!!

2 for 2

2011-10-16T16:01:00.003+08:00

my 2 years of ajc was worth it because of 2 people who were there to help me.

Probably my 2 best friends of my whole life

blind yourself out

2011-09-26T00:06:00.001+08:00

growing down

2011-09-26T00:01:00.001+08:00

I cannot freaking believe this. I am turning 18?!?!?!

What is happening to me this is very bad I do not want to grow older. Its not like I can/am supposed to get any taller anyway.

IS THIS A JOKE?!?!?!?!

I cannot deal with this right now.

cat friends

2011-09-17T03:14:00.003+08:00

Its been around 2 years since I've met a few friends around my neighbourhood despite some spiteful stares.

Meet fat cat orange (might not be the first time he appeared here but who cares). He's my bestest best friend other than Dave.

He might not be the cleanest friend to make and might be pretty old considering our age gap but I don't care.

Anyways, I've been making friends with many strays in the neighbourhood and the main thing I wanna stress here is that I don' t want to move to punggol. Life is very sad.

self tish

2011-09-14T22:36:00.002+08:00

sometimes i can't decide what to do so i just dont do it at all

death is free

2011-09-11T14:24:00.003+08:00

It has prolly been over a month since my grandmother passed away. And it has also been the worst period of my life I've personally ever been through.

Nobody likes death no matter how much you hate the person. It feels unfair and it comes and goes so quickly. And I to this date do not how to handle any of the feelings I have inside of me.

Sometimes I just find myself crying over nothing. And other times while I'm happy, small things remind me of ahmah and I find myself crawling back into a hole to cry again.

It gets so much I wonder how much am I allowed to think about it. Am I supposed to still think about it and feel sad? Is it okay to pretend nothing happened and I am fine?

I still feel guilty as ever but so thankful I spent the last days with her. I feel like crap still even while typing this. Because I feel like I watched her die. Like from being okay to being sick to suffering at home to ending up in hospital to being okay for awhile and to be in a coma in less than a week and dying a few days later.

It is torturous. It is terrible. It is just plain sad.

And I don't know how to react.

And as much as I want to cry right now, I'm telling myself not to.

Someone tell me what to do.

Still remember how she used to say just let me die when I know she clearly didn't mean it. It must have been hard.

ahmah

2011-07-30T22:57:00.002+08:00

My ahmah passed away about 2/3 weeks ago.

I have this mixed feeling in my bones.

When I think about my ahmah and my dreams about her and all the small things around my room that invoke memories of her I feel like just sobbing by myself and feeling like crap. But then again. Should I continue feeling like this?

It is affecting me. But for now I can't gauge the extent.

Ahmah if you can read this, I just wished you came home before you passed and I will keep everything I have of you my whole life and I miss you so please visit me in my dreams because I want to know you're doing fine. I love you!

erasure, closure & shit

2011-07-08T22:51:00.002+08:00

HI WORLD

mai kot its been awhile hasn't it?????????

Recently, life has been throwing lots o' turds at me. And its honestly pretty difficult to type it out because I'm so used to writing things and having a "good" flow. (Bloody history/gp essays)

Shall make a list of things that has turned my life around

1) I'M OLD AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MYSELF

Lets face it, old habits die hard and my shitty spoilt & selfish & mean self has to go. I keep getting my parents upset to the point where I get pretty disappointed with myself and how I've not been able to AVOID CONFLICTS. So, have to learn how to be more appreciative of what I have and be able to give thanks profusely to all involved in making me happy.

2) MY AHMAH IS PASSING AWAY

Yes, I admit here that I was a terrible grandchild and I admit that I have the word 'guilt' written all over my face when I think about/talk to her. But since her illness got worser and worser and worser and worser and that now she's lying in bed in comatose state, I realise life sucks and people are fucking greedy. Life sucks because when you grow old, quote from a song I never fail to skip,

The golden years are meant to leave a gleam in your eye
You’re starting to discover it’s a great big lie
They'll work you like a dog til you quit or you die

-The Clock Was Tickin' by Brandon Flowers

And I just hate the thought of it being so fucking true. Life just feels so hard to go through and when you think you're old and you're gonna get a break, fat fuck. Besides, my extended family is a breeding ground for grouchers and life suckers and I do not want to grow up being that, so I'm constantly reminding myself that I have to give give give. Guess I've gotta learn how to just grow with whatever shit comes my way.

3) THERE ARE NO PERMANENT FRIENDS, ONLY PERMANENT INTERESTS

Best sentence I've learnt in history. For real. In the past few years of my life I realise that not many have stayed by my side long enough to make me wanna even call them friends anymore. Sometimes I really wish I could erase them from my brain memory card. I feel used and useless now thanks to their expert assistance. And I hope that in the coming seconds, hours, days, months and years I will be able to see through both the interests of the people I meet and the possibility of having a friendship with them. Because we humans are so hard to trust.

4) POSITIVITY AND WILLPOWER

2 of the most important things you should carry with you when you're in the battlefield of examinations. And maybe just about every other thing you do in life.

Done. I think my life kinda sucks, but I think I'll pull through.

hair

2011-05-20T01:40:00.001+08:00

This is the hair that is not on my head anymore

keep it running, don't stop

2011-05-20T01:37:00.001+08:00

I WILL NEVER ADMIT I AM TIRED/DYING/STRESS

BECAUSE THATS PART OF BEING A STUDENT

GOTTA KEEP ON WITH THIS HERE, FEELING

Today, I got my maths test back. It was 19/30. I know its not bad already.

But point is I studied for like 2 weeks for this test? And Dave (my clever boyfriend) studied for like 1 night.

He got 23/30.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF :(

but nevermind lah. quite motivated to study rai nao so bai bai. will post photos nao

Answers

2011-04-19T02:50:00.002+08:00

I've been up since 6.30 AM of 18 April 2011. I am a fucking machine/muscle car. And I am not proud to say that I am cranky and tired and tomorrow is a long day. I think I've been overworking myself but I feel like what I'm doing is still not and will never be enough. And I'm sure that there are many out there who feel the same way as me and it's such a sad and demoralizing feeling to have because it makes you feel like you're not and will never be good enough.

I also however fear the day where I work so hard but I eventually lose steam and die off but as of now that is not happening to me thankfully because of the wonderful support I have from Dave and my girlfriends in school who never fail to shower concern over me as well as my parents who are fantastic in their own ways.

As tired as I must admit I am, I don't feel the right-ness of suddenly give up just like that and losing steam. But I still am very afraid.

All the what if...

What if I study so hard and still eventually fail to meet my objectives?
What if I get good grades but I don't get to do something I enjoy in the future?
What if I find out I wasted 2 years of my life in school when I could have done better elsewhere?

Lord I am tired of all these bogging questions. I wish someone else would answer them for me. Instead of me having to find answers by myself.

life

2011-03-28T00:10:00.002+08:00

I need to start doing something about my life.

I've been thinking I need to keep a whole lot of things/pictures/music/crap that I like and compile it into a file so as to discover the true self inside of me. I have some folders of that but its like such a mish mash of things its hard to understand sometimes.

I know I've been away from this space for so long but its because how school turns you into something that you have to cut yourself into. Like you can't force your shape into the school, but instead you have to mould/shape/cut yourself to fit the school.

And thats why I've been feeling so out of my league for so long. I feel so horribly confined in a disgusting little piece of building. And I'm sure this would have been the same in any other Junior College, not only AJC.

Because of this, I'm super afraid of going to universities because I don't want to cut anymore of myself just to fit into something that is obviously not me. That is not something I wish to represent. I want to build myself into something I am proud to call Sibyl's.

I feel so demoralized anyhow because my mother doesn't want me to take this road of which I wish she'd allow me because its different. She actually did tell me "Sibyl, I want you to be a normal person, to take a normal couse at a university, and lead a normal life with a good pay"

I don't know what to think about it but it feels like the only person you wish who would tell you don't give up on your dreams to give up and submit to a boring skeletal life.

But I know I'm not that sort. I don't want to be that normal business woman selling/buying stocks and counting money everyday. I want to venture out and abroad and try new things and see new things.

Its always back to money and position isn't it.

But I will not allow myself to try and give up. I'm going to push.

But as of now, I have no choice but to sacrifice the small pieces of cloth of mine just to get good grades to cover their stinking mouths about how I should go to university and all the expectations they have of me.

I will be okay.

2011-02-25T03:50:00.002+08:00

I feel so outnumbered by my own evil and depressed thoughts today. Is this why I always confided in my own music and hence managed to pile together a rack of depressing CDs?

I've got to get used to this feeling by now. I really should. Cause there's not supposed to be any sort/form of this depression thing I feel on my bones. So.

Gotta pick myself up and tell myself that I'm all good and I have a boy who cares for me and that even if he doesn't that I should be independent too. I must be. I mean.

Who cares really.

2011-02-14T03:39:00.002+08:00

Keep strong and carry on

I wish I had Dave here to hold my hand to sleep cause I've been finding it hard to love myself lately. I have to stop believing in what I am supposed to be and be what I want to be because it only kills you if you keep thinking about all these presumptuous thoughts.

2011-02-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

WALANEH. MY WHOLE BODY HURTS.

Okay lah actually only like my ass bone. I think it's like near the tailbone there. Walao.

Anyway how is silly old life. I'm so sick of doing work and am nao such an excellent procrastinator. I like plan work to do butguess where I end up at the end of the day? In my comfy old bed. Like without even considering the consequences cause it's kinda like some. Escapism mindset thingy that I have enfixed into my brain or something. Like REST SIBYL REST. And yet, I still end up sleepy for school the following day. So disheartening. Y'know???

Pipak sial.

Any-o-hows, I terribly love my hamsters because they are like my night fiends. Okay la. Friends lah. Not foe. Cause they never ever fail to keep me going hehe and singing rubbish songs (like Harry potters theme song) to myself/them to hear.

So noisy I know.

Okay lah. At least I'm finally fucking over Antoine dobson and his stupid hide yo wife hide yo kids and hide yo husband cause deh RAPIN eevrybodeh out here!

Uhoh

What to do

2011-01-25T20:14:00.003+08:00

Well.

Everyone has emotions and secrets they dont wish to expose at times. But as much as we feel these emotions, I'm sure we'd be horrified that we were thinking that way because it's something we probably didn't mean to let out or even show.

So sometimes, maybe we should learn how accept and forgive their not-absolutely-wrongdoings and appreciate them for what they mean and who they really are and how they feel towards you.

So dear sibyl, don't be upset or disheartened and cry at every thought. Be a happy person. Be a happy person.

Love your inner conscience.

old skool

2011-01-17T20:20:00.001+08:00

Our love yeah yeah yeah
Is slowly going on the rocks now yeah yeah yeah
Tell me, tell me baby
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it

Our love yeah yeah yeah
Is in double jeopardy yeah yeah yeah yeah
Show me, show me sugar-pie
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it

You know I try to keep you satisfied
But you just won't comprehend
And if you keep on doin',
doin' what you're doin'
You know our love will surely end
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/31w ]

Don't you know that our love yeah yeah yeah
Is slowly going on the rocks
now yeah yeah yeah yeah
Tell me, tell me baby
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it

You know I try to keep you satisfied
But you just won't comprehend
And if you keep on doin',
doin' what you're doin'
You know our love will surely end

Don't you know that our love yeah yeah yeah
Is slowly going on the rocks
now yeah yeah yeah yeah
Tell me, tell me baby
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it

Oh tell me, tell me baby,
Whatcha gonna do 'bout it

Song stuck in my head. For a while. Heh.

2011-01-17T00:37:00.002+08:00

Well. Everythings fine and the workload hasn't been as taxing as I expected. But everyone's still tired I guess.

Me and Dave have been a happy pair for quite a while

Oh. A few days back an old friend of mine depressed me.

It has always troubled me to think whether I am being anti-social or not.

Forgive my childish talk. I haven't been having it all good at home anyway. My brain is pretty much a mess.

Well well :/

what is it you need?

2011-01-08T06:41:00.001+08:00

need

many

things

but

not

really

2011 sucks already.

2011-01-04T07:11:00.002+08:00

The biggest regret I will have in my life,

is to have not talked to my ahmah more before she had a stroke.

I feel like the biggest loser of all times because I never cherished my eldest kin properly and I am so fucking depressed by how I'm crying to myself in self denial than I regret this.

She will never walk around anymore.

I need dave.

Tonight was a horrible horrible night. Goodbye.

guts

2011-01-04T01:20:00.002+08:00

You know why,

because its always my fault. Everything.

I am not your perfect sister and I always do things wrongly. You find it so disappointing with everything I do and that you are sorely upset by how I feel towards you.

How am I supposed to not be wrong for once when even my feelings are controlled by you?

Have I ever done anything that you found good? Can you remember?

Do you only remember my flaws?

How do I feel you always ask me. How am I supposed to feel when I'm always wrong?

I don't know how to continue this. Because you will never admit you are at fault.

this morning at breakfast

2011-01-02T12:00:00.002+08:00

The poor man at the hawker centre.

He gets weird stares and is an unhappy man. Oh how sad his life is, cleaning plates all day long. We wonder why his face looks weird with his tongue sticking out. And the father shoots him a dispairing look. "What bad luck to see such a lad in the morning!" he would silently exclaim in his head as the poor man wipes the table.

As the poor man clears the dishes, he makes not a sound. Even if he were to bump you and cause you to choke, no, he doesn't make a noise, doesn't apologise. Why should he? He is not contented. You don't thank him for clearing tables, why should he apologise? There will be no courteousy. None. Even for the poor man who wipes the table.

I wonder, what time does he wake up? Is he really that cold underneath the image of a poor man cleaning the table? Does he have a family that he loves dearly? What's up?

Does he need sympathy? What does he want? What is the least I could give him?

jiggle

2011-01-02T06:33:00.001+08:00

FROZEN

2011-01-02T03:57:00.001+08:00

Hello hello baby.

I clearly remember this line in Gaga's collectors edition of fame monster, where she wrote

"When you're lonely,
I'll be lonely too."

And she signs off.

I find it incredibly sad, that it really doesn't matter how famous you are, but you will always have a place in your heart where you lie in your bed and you still feel lonely. No matter how many friends you have to call a 'friend', you are still a lonely freak inside and out.

I admit, I do feel lonely and I do feel like my only friend is Dave sometimes. And I know that yes a lot of people do care for me but I realise that at the end of the day, when my head hits the pillow and a million thoughts run through my mind, I am a lonely freak of nature.

And yes I am largely depressed over how many friends I've lost along the way. I don't know whether I'm uninvited because I have Dave. Its a bad excuse.

And thus today, I will let go of all feelings for these people who used to be in my life.

I will do my best to hide the grudge and let them slowly pass on like a dead soul, constantly reminding myself that there is no need for their life to sucker punch me in the forehead.

I am my own self and I do not need you to build me.

Thank you for your negative help.

interesting

2011-01-01T23:00:00.002+08:00

The strong point of the relationship between two Libra individuals is that they share the same positive qualities. The weakness of such a zodiac match is that they also share the same negative traits. This is one of the basic reasons why this love match can turn out both ways - very compatible or totally incompatible. A Libra seeks a partner. For him, life is not worth living alone. There has to be someone with whom he can share his happiness, sorrows, doubts and fears. If he is not in a relationship, he is constantly on the lookout for one.

In a relationship between two Librans, both of them will charm each other with their delicate tact and subtle diplomacy. As it is, who can resist the captivating smile of a Libra, not even another Libran! Both of them believe in maintaining harmony in a relationship and want to please their partner. They will go to any lengths to maintain a peaceful relationship. Thus, any major problem in their love match seems to be a quiet distant possibility. A Libran values balance and equality, so none of the partners will dominate in this relationship.

Librans are always interested in the finer things of life and will have, more or less, similar tastes. This will act as another point in their favor. Since they have a mutual desire of avoiding conflict, they will either avoid such a situation or leave it in the middle, without coming to a solution and this may create some problems. A Libran individual finds it very difficult to take a decision, so a long time may pass before either of them takes a step towards the relationship. However, when they do, it may turn out to be one of the best matches of the zodiac.

With another Libra, you share numerous experiences, many of them beautiful. There's lots of laughter, much art and light, but not too much staying power. This relationship is good for fun and games, but where settling down is concerned, there are apt to be problems. You come down from the clouds to face everyday realities and the relationship undergoes a marked change. It can work, but it requires wisdom and maturity.

The Libra woman takes marriage seriously. She takes a relationship seriously. She is not apt to be promiscuous. She wants beauty and considers you a beautiful person. You can easily hurt her. She has character. You will have to be considerate or you will lose her. You will have to be kind or you will disillusion her. If you succeed in winning her, you will have won for yourself an opportunity for peace, contentment and love.

The Libra man is sensitive, so much so that he can make you a nervous wreck. Please him but don't baby him. He wants to be manly, Praise and flatter him, especially along sexual lines. He is considered to be delicate, but he is lusty enough to fulfill your needs if you love him. To keep him, you will have to be aware of your appearance. He notices bulges in the wrong places! He may deny it, but he loves being told how handsome he is, how talented, how loving, how exciting. He's fragile, but worth the trouble.

Libra and Libra? How long did it take you to set the first date?

With a Libra, you will feel as if you constantly look in the mirror: you look at yourself but there is also someone weird that resembles you and is looking at you from the mirror. On the good side of things, you are both lively and in love with beauty. On the other side though, you are quite lazy when it comes to housework and way too undecided. That's why I asked how long it took you to set the first date: it's hard to make one Libra say "yes", let alone two of them!

http://www.astromitra.com/dating-compatibility/libra-astrology.php
DAVE READ THE THIRD LAST PARAGRAPH.

The Libra male possesses something of a lazy charm and is attractive...often without being aware of it. They have the ability to make money and also have the ability to spend on themselves and those around them to make one happy. They are quite interested in the fine arts and prefer refined and sophisticated settings in which to thrive. You may have a hard time making decisions. In order to be sure about your decision, you gather as much information as possible. You are very free with your advice. This man will be extremely shrewd in business matters and very capable of managing large enterprises.

Since both are of the same signs, they understand each other very well and treat each other passionately. Both are easy going and cheerful. The only problem would be unsolved conflicts which either has to solve and thus requires maturity as far as marriage is concerned. However, both also have a highly developed sense of fairness, balance, and proportion. Equality is very important to the two and in this relationship as perhaps in no other, there is certainty of an equal relationship, with neither of individuals dominating.

tireless

2010-12-31T13:21:00.002+08:00

Have you ever heard of

IM TIRED, BUT I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP

thats me everyday.

tron legacy

2010-12-30T03:34:00.002+08:00

I can't help myself,
I'm in love.

And when I get back,
From outer space,
I'm gonna punch him in his face.

He's the moon,
Then I'm eclipsed

I'm so lunar yeah,
When I get to him,
I'll run him over with my rocket ship.

My eyeliner,
Runs, in, constellations
For you dear.
If only, I could,
Reboot my mechanical heart,
I'd think clear.

Baby I'm feelin' so out of this world,
Baby with you I'm a different girl,
(Uh-oh, oh)
You're my future love.

Baby could we make a home in the stars,
Baby somewhere in a galaxy far,
(Uh-oh, oh)
You're my future love.

(O-o-o-O-oh)

I want your f-f-f-f-future love,
I want your f-f-f-f-future love,
Would you be my f-f-f-f-future love,
I want your f-f-f-f-future love
Would you be my f-f-f-f-fu-ture man,
I wanna f-f-fuck you hard as I can,
Would you be my f-f-f-future man,
I wanna f-f-f-future man.

I've been workin',
In engineering,
All our chem-estries,
And our situ-ations,
Workin' out our sex equations

And I'm no,
I'm no, nostradamas yeah,
Cause' my hair is blond,
But my heart is brunette,
If I'm not on you,

And at lease I'm honest.

My, mascara,
Runs, in, con-ste-llations,
For you dear,
My dear.
If on-ly I could,
Outer space my brain,
For a minute.
I'd think clear.

Baby I'm feelin' so out of this world,
Baby with you I'm a different girl,
(Uh-oh, oh)
You're my fu-ture love.

Baby could we make a home in the stars,
Baby somewhere in a galaxy far,
(Uh-oh, oh)
You're my fu-ture love.

(O-o-o-O-oh)

I want your f-f-f-f-future love,
I want your f-f-f-f-future love,
Would you be my f-f-f-f-future love,
I want your f-f-f-f-future love,
Would you be my f-f-f-f-fu-ture man,
I wanna f-f-fuck you hard as I can,
Would you be my f-f-f-future man,
I want your f-f-f-f-future man,

You can come and take me in,
To a place where we've never been,
He's so unreal yeah,
He's mannequin,
He's a synthetic, plastic, an unreal man,
I'll buy you playing cards,
On a shooting star,
To get to you
My future lo-ver-er,

He's my rubber hunk,
My kind-of guy,
And I'm stuck in,
His metal, rubber eyes,
Eye, eye, eyes...
Rubber eyes,
Eye, eye, eyes...

My future guy...

-------------------------------------------

Other than this song, I'm very very very very psyched to buy daft punk's album soundtrack for TRONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

TRANCE ELECTRO WHATEVER

BRING IT ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

DEREZZED!

infested

2010-12-28T06:14:00.002+08:00

I mean, my days aren't so bad, sad and gloomy.

Only once in a while I kinda feel like sitting in dave's house cause I know it'll be peaceful with no one shouting at each other.

I enjoy the silence at the wee hours of the morning. And I enjoy the time I spent reading up on things.

I just don't like how my family is at times.

But do I really have to. Believe my mother about how, the family will always be a family, you must learn how to forgive and stuff.

How grave.

bad evening

2010-12-28T00:39:00.002+08:00

Its been a horrible day. I can't even explain to what extent.

I feel so stuck in a world where I can't be happy sometimes. I can't string words together either.

And I'm going to be stuck this way for quite long. And I guess thats the part that's gonna suck.

:(

2010-12-24T05:31:00.001+08:00

HI IM FUCKING DEPRESSED

I just realised yvanrodic was in town recently and I missed it :(

MY INSPIRATOR :(

I WANT TO MEET HIM SO BADLY

AND I JUST MISSED IT.

am so depressed now.

you won't understand.

UHHUH

2010-12-20T03:53:00.002+08:00

I am a horrible girl!

I love women domineering songs because they usually have this like fierce sound behind it which generally makes me wanna jump up and start doing some kool dance moves but I'm getting too old for that stuff.

But nevertheless these women domineering songs make my heart beat really quick and excitingly and stuff.

Stupid catchy tunes.

GOT POISON ON MY MIND~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I GOT THAT POISON UHHUHH I GOT THAT POISON UHHUHH I GOT THAT POISON UHHUH UHHUH UHHUH I GOT THAT POISON ON MY MIND.

yea, something lik-a-dat

substance

2010-12-18T05:31:00.004+08:00

I tend to read like a lot of people's blogs before I have anything to type out.

And its usually because I read so much and get so tired I rarely have much to say.

But I just want to say that nope, my family situation is not that great, but Idk what's pulling me up.

I'm honestly too tired to tell anyone anything about what is happening in my life. Its too long.

Nothing substantial today.

Lady Gaga has wax figures to her name now. So cool. 8 wax figures to be exact.

SO COOLIOS MAN.

Dave tay is like. saviour of the week/year

jphkdsmeow

2010-12-12T23:40:00.000+08:00

hmm

bye11111111111111

2010-12-05T15:49:00.001+08:00

SO RIGHT NOW.

I must tell you that I'm leaving for Japan sooooooooon and I wish I brought more technological devices but some people arent trustworthy.

So ya.

I'm semi excited with all the shopping and discovery and stuff. I just hope I dont lose anything! hahaahhahah

HAHAHHAHAHHA

have fun in sunny singapore.

sad tales

2010-12-01T21:52:00.002+08:00

Its days like these when I'm just sitting in my room and feeling like just running away because I don't know what else to do anymore. Even as I look at my hamsters and how they are in a cage running around trying to attract my attention, I don't get the urge to pick them up to kiss.

I feel so lonely and small. Everyday.

When dave says goodnight/doesn't reply me anymore, when huafei puts down the phone on me. When I close my door. When someone goes offline. When my mother doesn't answer me. When Stella opens the door on me unwillingly.

Idk how many times I've said that I am really a lonely child at heart.

And somehow when dave came into my life it made me feel like. I belonged somewhere of some sort. But after one of mini fights we had. I feel like. There again.

I can't carry on.

It feels too personal to be let out. Gonna play with Neon. And kao. and beep.

They've seen/heard me cry so many times. They deserve my love.

motivation

2010-12-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

So motivated to blog more now!

Anyway, see the lil icons on the left? so cute righttttttttttttttttttttttttt

I was such a ding dong kid.

:(

now im sappy

NEED

2010-11-27T03:49:00.000+08:00

DAMN IT I NEED MORE CDS

NEED. NOT WANT.

why

2010-11-25T00:32:00.000+08:00

Why pour so much sympathy on ourselves/yourself?

Meh

general

2010-11-21T03:19:00.003+08:00

10 things you don't necessarily need to know about SIBYL TEO

1) I have a boyfriend and my family doesn't know (or maybe they do, but I keep it under wraps)
2) I do not listen to Nirvana before 12 pm
3) I do not comb my hair often, but its still straight
4) I would rather sell my body than sweep the streets of Singapore
5) I do not love/hate dogs
6) I ALWAYS had bangs/a fringe
7) I do not drink coke anymore
8) My 2 favourite colours are PINK & YELLOW
9) My 3rd (middle) finger bends towards the 4th (ring) finger - which means I'm a loner
10) I consider myself lonely most of the time

How nice.

beat it

2010-11-17T02:22:00.001+08:00

I WILL NOT BE DEPRESSED

aphrodite

2010-11-17T01:25:00.002+08:00

What’s the worst thing that could happen to you
Take a chance tonight and try something new
You’re getting boring you’re oh so boring
And I don’t recognize the zombie you’ve turned into

Don’t worry cause tonight I got you
You can take a seat do what you normally do
I’m about to let you see
This is what’ll happen if you ain’t giving your girl what she needs

Leave you Move on
To a perfect stranger
You talk I walk
Wanna feel the danger
See me with him and its turning you on it’s got me saying
Ain’t getting me back at the end of this song

Get outta my way
Get outta my way
Got no more to say
He’s taken your place

Get outta my way, way
Outta my way
Got no more to say
He’s taken your place
Get outta my way

Now I got a taste I wanna explore
Ain’t going to waste no not anymore
You’re going hard now to win my heart but
Too many times now you’ve been coming up short

Don’t worry cause tonight I got you
You can take a seat do what you normally do
I’m about to let you see
This is what’ll happen if you ain’t giving your girl what she needs

Leave you Move on
To a perfect stranger
You talk I walk
Wanna feel the danger
See me with him and its turning you on it’s got me saying
Ain’t getting me back at the end of this song

Get outta my way
Get outta my way
Got no more to say
He’s taken your place

Get outta my way, way
Outta my way
Got no more to say
He’s taken your place
Get outta my way

No I aint going home cause I wanna stay
But I wont be alone no how no way
Now I showed you what I’m made of made of
This is what’ll happen if you ain’t giving your girl what she needs

Leave you Move on
To a perfect stranger
You talk I walk
Wanna feel the danger
See me with him and its turning you on it’s got me saying
Ain’t getting me back at the end of this song

Get outta my way
Get outta my way
Got no more to say
He’s taken your place

Get outta my way, way
Outta my way
Got no more to say
He’s taken your place
Get outta my way

--------------------------------------------------------------------

One day I will brave enough to do this.

mentally exHAUSTED.

2010-11-14T02:51:00.003+08:00

Today, okay not technically sunday but saturday, has been a veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy long and mentally exhausting day.

Woke up, played with stacy's ipad for like. 2 hours?

ITS DAMN TIRING OKAY. trust me.

ANYWAY, okay then I ran to the flea.

Okay then I come home.

Okay then I cry.

Then.

IKR I DAMN TIRED LAH FUCK.

bye.

FUCK.

WHAT?

2010-11-10T22:00:00.000+08:00

I'M JUST A GIRL

LITTLE O' ME

try try try try try try until you cannot then try again lor

2010-11-07T22:39:00.000+08:00

Loneliness, don't come around here
I've boarded up all the doors
There's nothing to give no more
I recall, a time when I knew it all
Wish someone done me wrong
So I can then do no wrong

But if you try to keep moving on
And it seems like it's always so hard
And if you left me
Darling I know I'll be found
And if you need me
Don't you let me know
It's alright...

Maybe I, had too little love to realise
All that I tried to give
Could never, ever be enough
But if you try to keep moving on
And it seems like it's always so hard
But if you left me
Darling I know I'll be found
And if you left me

And if you try
Oh and if you try
Oh and if you try, try
Oh and if you try, try
Oh and if you try, try
Oh and if you try...

boo

2010-11-07T12:38:00.003+08:00

How does one cope with all the problems circling the head? Why can't I stop the minor problems.

PW day today.

GO

2010-11-06T19:12:00.001+08:00

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG.

I NEVER CHALLENGED YOU OKAY.

I'M ALWAYS RUDE. OKAY?!

DON'T AFFECT ME ANYMORE.

give it away

2010-11-06T18:42:00.002+08:00

SO,

chinhwee asked me today what Im gonna do in the future.

This, is the question I've feared since forever. I think even if you asked me as a kid what I'd like to do, I wouldnt event be able to make up my mind and stuff.

Because its such a ridiculous age to ask me such a big question, and its such a ridiculous era to be able to predict anything. Which is why I've emphasised the hate I have on the Singapore education system. THERE IS NO BLOODY WAY WE ARE EXPOSED TO ANY CAREER CHOICES.

We only get to choose and see when we are like. Done, or just before the exams. So we never really get the chance to give ourselves a final push to the. Finishing line of some sort.

SO ANYWAY,

chinhwee thinks I should be a curator. Because I mean, I'm doing history.

But I kind of detest the idea of walking around the museum, having to work with. Art. In singapore.

I just think, what the hell. The art scene in Singapore is so immature.

I'M SO SORRY BUT I JUST THINK THE ART IN THE MUSEUMS LIKE THE NATIONAL ART MUSEUM IS SO. BLAH.

I mean, I'd visit the Lourve anytime because it has so much more. Exciting pieces of art but the one in Singapore?

Stamp museum, peranakan.

HOW TO GO ANYWHERE?!!!?1??!/!/!/!?

& another thing that my mother has always wanted me to be is an accountant.

I am.

I have nothing to say about it.

I mean, admission and stuff like coping with a desk bound job.

The whole experience is just gonna make me sick then I'm just really gonna die young and stuff.

I don't want that.

So I told my mother just now;

Im not an aspiring accountant and I want to do something fun in the future.

Something I'll enjoy. (And I didn't mention anything about curators and stuff, think she'll just die)

and she was like. Okay lor.

I MEAN ITS OBVIOUS SHE'S NOT HAPPY WITH THAT RIGHT?!?!?!

So I said, you obviously don't want that right. You don't really care about what I want to do.

AND SHE WAS LIKE

You're threatening me.

AND IM LIKE

WHAT DID I DO AGAIN.

then she said.

I know your father is irritating and stuff but you are just plain rude.

AND IM LIKE.

WHAT DID I DO AGAIN.

I cannot continue.

I wanna be a corspe when I grow up. An immature, undergrown, ugly, black, rotting CORSPE.

CURATE ME!

bah.

i am not spoiled.

2010-11-01T20:45:00.003+08:00

OKAY.

So this is what happened.

I was having dinner with Stella, my eldest sister if y'all already do not now, and the tv was on. We were watching this show called 'My Super Sweet 16', which is a show about girls turning 16 and having mega-ultra-super-huge birthday bashes with themes which usually require families to be rich.

To further explain on this MSS16 show, the girls are obviously bimbos and self-absorbed and wanna make their parents spend A LOT of money on them on this "special occasion" of turning 16.

They not only get to hold huge parties at clubs and stuff like that, they get "grand openings" and like all the luxurious stuff, jewelry, blahblkahfaehnglikwaenhle

And CARS. Like from Merc., to BMWs, to Ferrars and stuff.

These girls (sometimes guys but im focusing on girls today) get VIPs/Big-shots to come and perform at their parties and cause a big hoo-ha and flaunt their wealth.

They are popular, they are "in", they are cool, they are rich.

So I made this comment to Stella, and started discussing VIPs which I would possibly want to come down and sing at my party if I held such a big bash.

And then I said, also

"I wouldn't want people I didn't know to be at my party"

Which is what some girls do just to flaunt and stuff.

And then she said,

"You're like them lor, just that if you were a lot richer, you'll be like them."

AND I WAS LIKE. O_O

And said: "No?! I'm not so plastic. I don't want all these. Cars and stuff. I don't need such a big party."

Stella: "But you're spoiled like them."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I AM SO PISSED NOW.

HOW AM I SPOILED. LIKE THOSE MSS16 GIRLS. HELLO?!

Do I look like I ask for things? Do I look like I really give a second fuck to what you give to me.

Btw, for my birthday, yes I got my diana & my heartbeats(gaga), BUT SHE ASKED ME WHAT I WANT. AND I TOLD HER.

I WANT THIS.

THE GIRLS, IN MSS16, ASK FOR THINGS.

THEY

FUCKING

ASK.

I NEVER. ASKED.

I ANSWERED.

I never asked to go to Japan okay, I am not spoiled. I don't only care about the materialistic goods. I do not. give. a. damn. ABOUT. ANYTHING. AMTERIAesW GHsreklh bae

s yghireHNREANH

AND, BTW, I do not own everything expensive okay. I WEAR CHEAP SHIT TOO.

SO WHAT IF I BUY CLOTHES FROM ZARA OR WHATEVER YOU THINK I BUY FROM.

HOW. OFTEN. DO. I. BUY. THEM. ANYWAYS.

and for your own information I NEVER, asked for money from mummy to buy stuff from ASOS okay,

I WAS JUST ASKING YOU, IN GENERAL, HOW MUCH DOES IT COST.

DOES IT HURT TO ANSWER THAT?

DID YOU HAVE TO GO AND TELL MUMMY THAT I WAS GONNA TAKE MONEY FROM HER?

I WASN'T EVEN PLANNING TO. I WAS JUST ASKING.

GOD.

And I never asked mummy to give me money for beepbeep's vet fees okay. MUMMY VOLUNTARILY GAVE ME MONEY.

SO STOP SAYING I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY. CAUSE I DON'T.

I SPEND IT ON MORE IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE TEH BING TO KEEP MYSELF AWAKE IN SCHOOL.

DON'T GO AROUND TELLING EVERYONE I'M SPOILED AND MATERIALISTIC WHEN I DO HAVE NOSTALGIC FEELINGS OVER THINGS. IM A HOARDER.

I DON'T NATURALLY THROW THINGS.

SPOILED MEANS -having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or oversolicitous attention

I AM NOT HARMED.

AND EVEN IF I AM, YOU BROUGHT ME UP TO.

YOU'RE INVOLVED. DON'T BLAME IT ON MUMMY WHEN YOU'RE PART OF MY LIFE.

DON'T JUDGE ME WHEN ALL YOU DO IS CRITICIZE.

BYE.

lost

2010-10-31T03:22:00.002+08:00

I know how I feel already.

Its official. I feel perpetually lost.

I mean since I entered JC, its been a hectic rush and a constant trying to hang on but its only for the sake of hanging on that I'm joining in this rush. And I guess the only time which I enjoy is the free time I have on the weekends to lie on my bed and rest this poor body of mine.

I've been lost in the battle of being the best. I feel like I'm holding on to a sword in some war and I've just stopped attacking anyone else becuase I'm just tired.

Geddit?

Like I'm done. I feel like I'm done trying to handle everything. Wasted and bored of what I've been doing.

It's finally clicking. I don't like what I'm doing. And despite that, I'm going to suffer because this path is so fucking straight that I can't change my route all of a sudden. I'm gonna have to crawl until I get the fuck out of this cycle.

Why did this take me so long to figure.

And what is my "passion in life" really is?

What is going to happen to me?

Oh I think this thought is gonna screw me for a while.

rain on your wedding day

2010-10-30T02:01:00.003+08:00

I will attempt to write something smart today.

I've been listening to Alanis Morissette - Ironic. I think its a really smart song.

Everyone's being depressed about everything. Its getting quite frustrating. Like the whole promo retest thing. Get over it.

Anyways, I really hope valerie sorts out her situation asap because its getting really :( to think of things to say to her. Its like. Leaving me speechless.

I don't know.

To be honest, a few weeks ago, someone told me that I was anti-social.

Well I guess she's right and I am slowly turning more and more into an introvert, something I thought I'll never be.

There are so many things I want to say but they're all word blocked. I can't seem to find the words that fit anymore.

Maybe I'm just tired.

i miss my hamsters already.

blur

2010-10-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

goodbye sanity

i miss dave

2010-10-23T06:03:00.001+08:00

I have many things to do.

Its already 6. My hamsters will be waking up in an hour, prancing around for me to play with them.

See you soon.

anti-social

2010-10-17T00:48:00.001+08:00

Hi

I must be one of your ugly friends

You don't like me

Well thats fine

I can't keep changing myself anymore

Bye

DEEDEE

2010-10-15T00:23:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOUGH YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE THIS I LOVE YOU LIKE I TELL YOU ALMOST EVERYDAY AND I THINK I MISS YOU ALL OVER AGAIN BUT DON'T YOU THINK YOU LOOK CUTE IN THE PICTURE AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SMELL YOUR PITS.

HEHHEHEHEHHEHE.

h3h3hehawihfagn

2010-10-15T00:19:00.001+08:00

this jacob make me laugh only

This ain't the Heartbreak Hotel, even though I know it well. Don't you fret. Give me a chance I'd make a, permanent reservation says:
oh can
thanks =]
haha

BUGGER says:
did you just square bracket smiley face me
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

This ain't the Heartbreak Hotel, even though I know it well. Don't you fret. Give me a chance I'd make a, permanent reservation says:
=]
haha

BUGGER says:
RAH

-----------------------------

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEEDEEBOY. I WILL TRY AND POST A CORNY PHOTO OF US.

sian

2010-10-14T00:53:00.001+08:00

got problem isitttttttttttttttt,

DONT THINK ABOUT IT LAH.

walao

DAVE'S COMING OVER TOMORROW SO EXCITED PRESENTS CAKES WITH NO CREAM AND A LOT OF COLOURS AND SUGAR. I LIKE EH.

777777777777777

2010-10-10T04:53:00.001+08:00

ITS 10 10 10.

ITS THE 7TH MONTH.

I can't wait for friday.

need you

2010-10-08T05:48:00.001+08:00

I don't deserve to feel this way. Did I bring it onto myself?

Maybe it was really a "born this way" thing.

If it is then, poor sibyl. Deal with it.

17

2010-09-27T23:59:00.000+08:00

my exact face on my 17th birthday

oh mann

2010-09-27T02:47:00.001+08:00

this was my most

UNPRODUCTIVE WEEKEND.

so fucking screwed.

lunch at 9 tomorrow

2010-09-25T02:07:00.003+08:00

Help me get down, I can't make it help me get down
-The Killers

Its my birthday & I cannot find a cause for celebration
-Jason Mraz

I take my time I put it back
-Lady Gaga

Its too late to be trippin' on the phone now
-Good Charlotte

We believe
-Red Hot Chili Peppers

All these song quotes. The lyrics will continuosly play in my head. I hate how I feel now. Dave has been stressed and stressing me out. Huafei isn't around to talk to & complain to. My birthday's in 3 days and its going to be boring. I am broke in all ways.

Promos are just. My avenue of escapism thingy.

I'm overly picky with everything now. The past few days have been hectic. I flipped out with Dave and he got mad at me cause of some. Shit.

And there wasn't anyone to complain to since Huafei isn't around in SG. So I had to just. Cry myself to sleep.

And then now Dave's flipping out and about because he's so stressed its driving me insane too. I don't know how to help. I can't even help myself.

I've been watching "wayang" at my void deck for the past 2 days. Its really nice if you can learn how to ignore the smell of ashes and incense. Its just something different to watch. Besides, that was the first time in my whole life, and the only chance I'll get I guess, that I spoke to the wayang people.

There was one really pretty one. Then the rest were just. Old.

But there was something about them that made me quite proud to have some form of a race. I say some form because, I, erm. Have shitty command of my Chinese la you know.

But I just wished I had someone to follow me.

When you were young
-The Killers

aint it a shame

2010-09-18T02:03:00.002+08:00

I have Celebrity Skin stuck in my head.

I feel like a.

Crazy person waiting for someone else to wake the fuck out of me.

I know what my purpose is for the next 3-4 weeks.

But its gonna take me this night before I get back from my alien world.

neon

2010-09-08T01:33:00.004+08:00

Ok, I don't know what all y'all think about my hamster Neon.

I mean to most she's just a giant hamster. And some may think that she's ugly and scary and all that. Things about as big as a rat and smelly and whatnots.

I know, she looks like a rat. I know she's big and scary. I was initially scared of her everything.

But she's really not as bad as you think.

She's big but she doesn't bite, unlike that beepbeep.

She sleeps in the day, where most of you come over and see only beepbeep and maybe shiwon last time. But Neon is totally a night animal. Like me!

She sits on my shoulder and smell my hair when I'm doing my work. She follows me to the toilet in the dark house.

And most importantly, Neon knows when I'm sad.

She's like my human I need when I'm crying. Except that she doesn't make a sound. She sits on my hand and lets me cuddle her when I'm bawling. She doesn't care whether I cry all over her. She's there.

And I know that that's impressive for a hamster.

So whatever you think about her. I don't care la okay. Rats are rodents too.

dry eye

2010-09-05T22:36:00.003+08:00

No one holds me up more than he does.

its all in between the tears and the bedsheet.

speechless.

landslide

2010-09-05T21:12:00.002+08:00

good
bye
good
life

Landslide on repeat and its going to numb me out again.

chey

2010-09-05T05:33:00.001+08:00

I have a cd debate in my head.

this or that, this or that, this or that, this or that.

Then it stops.

& it goes. Eh what about that cd?

Meh.

This at 5.34 am

he is not a squirrel.

2010-09-05T04:49:00.001+08:00

BAH SO CUTE.

CHINGMAY SEND ME THE WHOLE PHOTO LEH. I WANT BIG BIG. EMAIL ME. PLEASE.

:3

2010-09-02T03:03:00.001+08:00

AH SO CUTE

stop please, just let me go

2010-08-30T23:03:00.001+08:00

Its been awhile,

THE FAME MONSTER.

Hot like mexico rejoice. Gonna sleep and be less cranky hopefully. I hate gadgets and gizmos. Gonna kill myself over them soon.

I just need my hearbeats and an empty computer. Boohoo.

tsk

2010-08-29T22:24:00.001+08:00

microphone says:
i wanna buy
marina and the diamonds
HO
TELL ME WHY I DONT KNOW
HAHAHA
anyway
WHY ARE TALKS TO STUDENTS INEFFECTIVE?
[c=1]×[/c][c=0][u]MEATPAO[/u][/c]; says:
Why
microphone says:
ya
why
[c=1]×[/c][c=0][u]MEATPAO[/u][/c]; says:
Why
microphone says:
TELL ME WHY
[c=1]×[/c][c=0][u]MEATPAO[/u][/c]; says:
TELL ME WHY TELL ME WHY
microphone says:
TELL ME WHY
HAHA
[c=1]×[/c][c=0][u]MEATPAO[/u][/c]; says:
HAHAHHHAAA
I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW

my butt hi butt

2010-08-29T06:20:00.002+08:00

I am feeling the disco tech noises in my veins.

I know I kinda brought it all up on myself.

I'm sorry but I don't feel that bad because I think I'm lucky enough.

Am not excited for Tuesday cause I get to see people, but because its a break.

I love inane ideas.

I swear 6 am never felt so irritatingly good.

miniminimini please be there.

hehe!

2010-08-29T05:14:00.001+08:00

hollow!

I'm losing my clarity of thought.

Lets attempt to start on my EoM!

OH MAN

2010-08-29T02:08:00.000+08:00

I
AM
A
FULL
TIME
SLACKER

meh

2010-08-22T03:07:00.000+08:00

Give me something to believe in cause I don't believe in you anymore, anymore.

I MIZZ REYNOLD

2010-08-21T23:16:00.000+08:00

pea-brain says:
why so sian
WOMENS MAN = REYNOLD
just show them your hot bod la
HAHA
reynold says:
LOL cannot la
like soap like that
smells nice bt stinging to the eyes

I MISS REYNOLD. OFFICIAL.

:(

2010-08-21T00:49:00.000+08:00

It’s when I’m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I’m still in love with you. It’s when I’m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It’s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you’re the only one who really knew me at all. It’s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It’s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

ultra :(

go away

2010-08-19T23:04:00.000+08:00

YOU KNOW WHAT,

I DON'T LIKE YOU

sad things

2010-08-19T02:00:00.002+08:00

http://dethjunkie.tumblr.com

Where too much kohl is not a sin

I like sad things I realised. Like songs, people, objects. I realise they are probably far more interesting than happy things. I mean. Sad things have deeper meanings and it has more levels of reasoning than happy things.

Like the Cold War. That's a big scale example.

Or like the death of Kurt. Okay not that big but still big.

The break-up of couples.

The small things like the death of my hamster which probably won't affect your hearts unless you're here to witness it yourself.

But I enjoy, reading, seeing, embracing the idea of sadness and the reasons why it is a sad thing.

And as much as we all wished that we wouldn't be sad, its an inevitable situation. I don't believe in the lasting of happiness. Its not even going to last like. 1 hour.

Hence in terms of time, sad>happy.

Idk.

I just wanted to emphasise on how being sad is normal I guess. And that, feeling sad has its reasons. And Idk. I know there's this other thing about this post that is indeterminate.

Oh I'm so shallow.

hostility struggle rivalry

2010-08-19T00:05:00.001+08:00

We knew it would happen.
Four years of tension and friendship.
It didn't start that way. I offered you a sip of my cider under the bridge when I was fourteen, you were fifteen, you drank half the bottle!
Dick.
I'd paid a fiver for that.
But;
I loved your very nearly arrogant self-confidence.
Your awesome intelligence.
The way you used to wear grotty holey jeans, like me.
Then we both progressed to our clean-cut eccentric styles. But knew we'd happily sit in the dust and dirt in our best clothes just because.
Your hats!
I loved that you loved hats too.
I loved that you inspired me.
I loved that you gave me your Natural Sciences hoody from uni.
I loved that you showed me Amelie.
And Breakfast at Tiffanys.
Well that's one thing we've got...
I loved that we would quote obscure song lyrics at each other to form conversations.
That I would wake up in the middle of the night to find you groggily waking up beside me and gently pulling me even closer.
That your hair was as ginger as it gets!
That your arms were just the right kind of rounded muscle.
That one of your ears stuck out at a funny angle.
That you got spots.
That we were both freckly together.
That you'd always fall asleep before me.
That you grew a moustache!! (Also ginger)
That you took me to get a pie on Valentines day :)
That our passion won't die.

I'm eating crisps on my bed right now, and your hoodie is hung on the wardrobe door opposite me.
Amelie is shut away inside the DVD case on top of my speakers behind me.
Your socks are on my desk, all crumpled.
Your hat is on the second-to-bottom shelf of my cupboard.

And I know you still have my t-shirt.
And that picture I drew.
And the wrapper from the Wensleydale cheese I bought you in return for my Valentines pie.

I love that we both know it's happening without having to even speak about it.
And I hate that we both know it's happening without having even spoken to each other in months.

-lelove

I scared girl. Continue with history sibyl teo.

to be happier

2010-08-17T02:17:00.001+08:00

I'm gonna try and cheer up and stuff.

And ignore what one person said about shiwon. I might just kill him. Like super voodoo doll him and cut off his dick.

But I will be nice. And listen to happier music, and try to suppress thoughts of shiwon in my head.

hamsters.

2010-08-15T23:32:00.003+08:00

shiwon died at 1054 today.

I am a bawling baby.

MEOW

2010-08-15T21:04:00.001+08:00

You know you like the cat

the fuck life

2010-08-15T03:39:00.004+08:00

in a few points

1) I really detest pw now. You don't understand this okay. I used to think oh well its going to be like this and yes its only normal. But now, I hate it. And I really don't wish to continue this work of project because its retarded. I hate doing things which requires searching the internet for some shit source just to back up what you said. Its pointless. Whatever happened to personal opinion? Isn't that supposed to be a fucking form of generation of ideas?

2) Shiwon life is finally coming to an end. Its been 3 years of half neglect and love all at once. I broke down on the phone while talking to dave, feeling absolutely helpless. I just couldn't do anything. Shiwon's been tearing and so her tears kind of clogged her eyes and she's perpetually blind. So dave told me to wipe her eyes with wet tissue. But she just kept going back to sleep and closing her eyes so they just kept shut again cause of her fur. She's still sleeping now but it just hurts to see her frail body sleeping beside the food bowl. And I really don't want to wake up to a dead hamster. I hate the idea of not seeing it pass. And what am I going to do to her body. I can't handle death, until its passed for a while.

3) I fucking miss dave more than ever because I'm pmsing depressed and confused all at once. I'm having a head whirl and I need him to tell me to sleep but he's sleeping so I have to try and listen to my conscience. Bottomline, I miss dave and no one can solve that but dave himself.

4) I have an overly dysfunctional family. And I hate it too. I dislike how Stacy is always away, always lying, always not there. I dislike. No, I fucking hate how Stella doesn't give a second toot about me. Its david, the cat, her make-up then I'm the last on the fucking line. She doesn't bother about me. Even if I did work, it will never be enough. I know all this fuck sounds cliche but it isn't. This one's different. And the worst part is that its hitting me all at fucking once. I always feel like I don't have a family. How can I have one when I'm at home by myself, my dad is a fag who can't talk to me cause he's got an old mindset, and a mother who mutters to herself and just complains about things I don't do. I don't ever fucking feel I belong here. There's this thin line of divide where you're fighting for your own things and it sucks. This is not a family.

In conclusion, I want to kill myself. I don't want to live a life full of fuck.

to-do least

2010-08-11T18:05:00.002+08:00

10 things to do as a teenager stuck in an odd bod

1) get done and over with bad skin
2) be a nerd
3) sleep regular
4) suppress feelings to give up
5) drink water
6) pay attention
7) do well do good
8) return money
9) forgive and repent
10) love boy

meh who

2010-08-11T17:54:00.001+08:00

somebody jealous ah?

cannot be lah.

oh well who knows

not cute meh

2010-08-10T04:11:00.001+08:00

NOT CUTE MEH :(

5

2010-08-10T02:36:00.002+08:00

Yes, I realised I'm with a fag.

Here is my story about this robot I fell in love with for too long.

Dave Tay, has been my robot boy for 5 months. ITS BEEN 5 MONTHS DEE! But anyway, we got together for very wrong reasons and no one will ever know why. Okay. It started with a really really bad crush when I was sec 3. And him texting me about chemistry. And how I texted him when I was a bored kid taking a one hour bus ride home. I realised he was such a one-word boy. Every reply had a lol, or an okay, or a ya only.

You really had to think of 10 million things to talk about. Or ask him 50 questions before you get the answer you really wanted sometimes.

And then Idk, but I roughly remember I tried to not text him for a month, and it failed terribly. I know he didn't like me la. Come on, I am unpopular and dumb.

But I was persistent that one day he wouldn't hurt my heart. And I remember the times I called huafei/lishi/chinhwee/chingmay/sharin about how I miss dave and why he's not replying me.

I remember crying at huafei's place cause I felt so used and stupid. You see, waiting kills.

Everyday, I'd write in my diary called dave.

I have compiled 2 WHOLE diaries called dave. Every page, Dear dave. And then a continuation of how I miss him, how he was such a jerk, how I dreamt of him don't know how many million times.

In general, my life was dave. With a bit of O levels.

It was a daily affair.

And then this year came.

I remember how I accepted fate that he's prolly going to ACJC and how I was going to lose him to a pretty ac girl and stuff. I was literally prepared to just. Be a nerd and die halfway in AJ.

And then I got a call from liting, telling me he put AJC first choice. And then I saw a glimmer of hope.

I swear I was like. Oh, wow that kinda feeling around my head.

And true enough, HE LIED TO ME HE PUTTING ACJC FIRST LOR. He still denies this but its okay.

Then me and dave started really really hanging out for real and stopped just texting only.

I remember that first long bus ride we took together going back to bishan from the beach clean-up.

He slept beside me. I was stoned throughout, trying to pluck as much dead skin from him as possible and keeping it in my wallet. Saving things I could.

And then we started going to places like. Orchard after school, eat rubbish.

And I brought him home and I almost got killed by Stella. That was however the first time I think he really felt close. Close enough to touch you know.

Then we started holding hands, but we weren't together.

It wasn't right la. And we knew it.

And then he told me that he did love me but he was afraid of other commitments. And he was afraid that one day he'd wake up and find no need to love me anymore.

Obviously I didn't see how that could have happened since its been eons since I ever forgot about dave.

And then 5 months ago, we finally got further than just hand holders.

But we quarrelled a lot.

And he slept on my bed a lot.

And he made me cry a lot.

And he walked me home a lot.

And he stopped his one-word replies.

And he saved me from dying a lot.

And he bought me a lot of koi.

And he drank teh bing with me a lot.

Idk, the list goes onnnnnnnn.

And its really only 5 months but I feel like there's still so many months, years, days to go.

It's still unbelieveable every time I hold his hands and stop walking and watch him pull me. I will always feel ugly but at least I know one boy thinks its okay. And everyone can tell him that he's blind but he doesn't mind.

And as much as he's one cm shorter than me, I have realised the perks of having a boy the same height as me instead of taller.

I love my dave. Even if it might end soon, I'd say its been a miracle and as much I might regret in the future, I still love that robot boy.

meh

2010-08-01T16:49:00.000+08:00

I am going to burst into rainbows

CAUSE I DONT WANNA DIE A SAD PERSON.

breaking the girl

2010-07-29T00:32:00.002+08:00

itssssss been a while

Talking to Jacob gives me a sense of assurance. Or its supposed to. Its not working its magic on me.

Life's getting mighty bleak with so many things to think about at once I forget what I was acutally doing. The idea of rejection is getting eroded into my head.

I'm restless and unaccomplished. I can't seem to do anything right. My minds like a piece of blank and I feel as though no matter how hard I work its not going to pay off. I feel like its not worth it anymore.

No reason to live.

live flipped the other way is evil.

see? get my point?

lets turn forever me and me only

2010-07-21T22:33:00.000+08:00

AND YOU GO BACK
ON YOUR WORDS
ALL OVER AGAIN
ALL OVER AGAIN
ALL OVER AGAIN

sun

2010-07-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

Do you remember
The things we used to say?
I feel so nervous
When I think of yesterday

How could I let things
Get to me so bad?
How did I let things get to me?

Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying

Will you hold on to me
I am feeling frail
Will you hold on to me
We will never fail

I wanted to be so perfect you see
I wanted to be so perfect

Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying

bye

2010-07-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

And if you save yourself
You will make him happy
He'll keep you in a jar
And you'll think you're happy
He'll give you breathing holes
And you'll think you're happy
He'll cover you with grass
And you'll think you're happy now

I'm not happy now. I'm sappy.

alejandro

2010-07-10T01:28:00.002+08:00

I think over the days, ( I don't dare say months ) I've just gotten used to feeling sad already. I mean. The only time I really feel depressed I would think is if I loose something important.

I've just gotten used to Dave when he annoys me. I'll just sniff for like 20 minutes and then all will be alright. Then when in class, my good record of scoring badly has numbed me over the years. How I don't have many people/friends I have left in my life have just taught me I never needed to know all these people and that maybe I should just have 20 people in my facebook profile. But then again, I like to bitch about people.

And I guess I've just numbed myself out of all of the sadness I used to feel because I only have like 3 to 5 people I really care about who are not in my family. In that sense if I hurt anyone else it won't affect me anymore because I really can't be bothered.

I've been very self-centered and I might seem like I'm just escaping from my past or something. But Idk I don't want to doubt I've been avoiding all my old friends but its more like they'd like to avoid me since I'm so different from their perspective and I don't want to bring myself out to be judged by you so there is no need to communicate in that sense. Besides, I always am judgemental and y'all will always never be what you were back then.

So I'll just sing my Alejandro and dream about my gull-winged DeLorean.

I'm sorry if I hurt you. But that's just how I look at things the way they are right now. And all I need now is not big company. Boy, one girlfriend, one gayfriend, one cca friend and thats all.

Don't call my name don't call my name.